[0:00] Hello everyone, and thanks for tuning in. It's nice to have you here. This episode is coming hot off the end of a live show that I recently did up in Brisbane. And this one really struck a chord because anyone who's been or does this work in an industry or does any kind of service work I feel like we can all appreciate when you have completed a project or you've completed a service and after the fact you start to receive some emails and this is something that did happen for me after another event and when i do get emails after an event i do have to confess i always end up bracing myself a little.
[1:03] Bit so and that's primarily because honestly as much as you feel like you can do the best of your capability at any given time in the moment on the night you have zero control over how people are going to receive what you do and so this is exactly what has just recently happened So I've done this event and there is an email that pops up in my inbox.
[1:40] And I believe the subject title line, it was just, all I could see, you know how sometimes you can just literally see the, it didn't really have a subject line, so I only got the first line, and it was like, hello Peter, I came to your show last night, and that's all I could see, and I was like, oh crap, I'm like, oh my god. Now, of course, I don't like to preempt it, but I tend to find that a lot of the time there's emails that come in because it's wanting to go or explain things deeper for whatever reason. So, it's always an interesting space. It's always an interesting time when you get these emails, and especially if it's a couple of days after the event.
[2:34] Now to give you context here what was also really interesting was there was a previous message that i had received so i think this has kind of prompted me to be a little bit more on the cautious or like you know prepare my body for a negative comment coming my way and what was interesting is i had received a comment on social media or a private message i should say and it's really interesting saying, again, same thing, hey, thanks for coming to the show, you know, or thanks for having the show, came along, first time anything like that.
[3:11] Kind of enjoyed it and I brought my dad along and it was like, He thought it was interesting, but he really didn't like, you know, the swearing that I did, which, you know, it's a little bit. It's not over the top, but the impression was that he thought it should have or could have been more spiritual. And I was like, interesting perception of what spiritual should mean, let alone more spiritual.
[3:43] But anyway it was lovely i spoke to that lady and and we kind of that's fine it was fine it's not a problem but of course coming off of that i received another email and i was like here we go we're gonna we have to prepare be prepared for this so i did brace myself now like i said if you know you probably know the feeling of oh okay right here we go and it's just like there's that part of you that always gets ready to kind of defend yourself or defend your actions, right?
[4:15] So, you know, there's other times when people write in and they're disappointed that their loved one didn't come through. That's a big one. I get that a lot. It's like, oh, thanks for coming. And I was really good, enjoyed your show. Oh, but I was really hoping. And of course, there's always a lot of hope. And, you know, you might be listening to this going, you fall into that category. It's completely fine. Those things do happen. But what was really interesting, the reason why I bring this up here, it's not to say, you know, hey, look at these emails, but this email that I'm specifically talking about right now, it's when I opened it, it wasn't this at all. It was nothing like I have received ever before. And this email really, like.
[5:03] Just made me sit back in my chair like, oh, like I took a breath and I was just reading this email and all I could do was feel the words, like literally jumping off the screen. They really, really did hit me. And so to give you context and without kind of giving it all away, but what it is, is that this lovely person described how they had suffered multiple losses over several years but in a quite close cluster together it revolved around family parents siblings pets and also relationships like in in real life so it was a real like oh my you know you can feel this and going,
[5:54] life has just really done a number. And the beautiful part was, is that it wasn't just about here and offloading about how hard life had been. What was being acknowledged, and this is what really hit me, was that this person could actually and honestly acknowledge how life is actually good for them right now.
[6:21] They were acknowledging that they had a wonderful partner and life was good. But what was happening is, and the reason for the actual email was to kind of go, hey, well, you know.
[6:37] Everything's good, I've got this, and I'm quite moving on, and I'm doing the best to move forward, but I find myself still dwelling on the past, and it's about past relationship. It's about the people that we've physically lost in our life as well. So, this is a big combination of like dwelling on the past and that really brought the question forward and it was also mentioned in the email was, you know, asking that question of why can't I move forward? And I love it. I'll just read you a little like brief moment from here is like, you know, I'm slowly getting my head around things, but it has been an uphill battle. I have good days and bad days. What I don't understand is that I have a really wonderful husband now and life is good, but I just seem to be dwelling on the past and finding it hard to move forward. Can you help me at all?
[7:44] And that was the end of the event. And like I said, just really, really hit me. What really hit me about this was the honesty from both sides, understanding the loss, understanding moving forward, having and seeing good parts of life, and struggling to reconcile and feeling the jostle between the two sides. And... What was really kind of coming to me is like, this is something that a lot of people quietly experience.
[8:18] It's not something that a lot of people like to talk about because, you know, again, I feel like people don't really know how to respond. I tend to find that a lot with grief and through the work that I've done. And you got to remember, guys, I'm not a grief expert. I'm not a grief specialist. I work in and around grief, but I look at grief and how it affects us, how it affects us emotionally and how it works with our body and our energy. That's how I work with grief, but I'm not looking at grief in terms of being an expert or a specialist.
[8:45] So even in this, and it kind of jumped at me straight away, I knew I needed to do something with this email. And that's what I love. When that energy hits me, it's like, boom, I've got to do something here. So it actually inspired me to record a guided meditation called When Love Still Hurts. It just came to me, boom, I want to do this. i'd never had like a massive pull to do anything like this before but i love it and i've now got it recorded and it's now waiting to be professionally overlaid which is going to be great but the interesting part is as soon as i wanted to do that because i seriously did want to help this beautiful soul but the email also made me think about something deeper and the deeper thought was, why do these emotions...
[9:39] Keep popping up. Why do these emotions revisit us? Because as you know, I love looking at this and I always like to look at the undercurrents and the patterns. And this was one that was kind of coming up.
[9:57] And the reason why it's coming up is because people often think if an emotion comes back or you know bubbles up again within you if people seem to run or come to this conclusion it means that they're stuck but that's not always what's happening now i want to explain a common life pattern that i have seen the pattern is people go through loss while they are still needing to function that's life that's what tends to happen so most of us and if you listen to this you most likely have experienced this but you know someone passes but then you are the designated organizer like you're the one organizing what's happening after they've passed you're probably looking at contacting everyone you're probably then starting to look at you know funeral you're Probably also looking at, you know.
[10:57] How they're getting the house or their belongings, all that kind of stuff. So, you're the one who has to organize everything. You might also fall into the category of you become the strong one. You know, when that person passes, like, oh, everyone else in the family just seems to automatically lean on you. And you know they rely on you to kind of have that strength to see this you know very sad period of life through and you On top of all of that and amongst that, you know, even when you lose someone, guess what? A lot of time.
[11:34] Work. Like general life. It still continues. On top of that, you might have children that need you and they hold you. So, what's really interesting, all of these extra roles, you know, whether it's one of them or all of them or a combination, it doesn't matter. Like any of those things, if you've really encompassed or experienced any of those things or any combination of that list, then you're really going through the thick of it.
[12:03] And what happens is when those particular set of circumstances start to happen for you, so what happens is you are so focused on being that version and being that person, that instead of feeling everything fully for yourself you stay strong and you keep moving so that's me so you do all of those things you put yourself second you stay strong and you keep moving another particular pattern that does come up is you for example you might go through a breakup, And as soon as a breakup has happened, you know, that person goes off and immediately starts to rebuild their life. Another pattern can be a beloved pet, okay, because I know a lot of people that do come through, a lot of people with their fur babies totally understand it, but even when that pet passes, they go straight back into the routine, you know, now sometimes that's healthy, but it depends, but all we need to acknowledge here is that we're going to be aware of what we're doing when these emotions are coming up.
[13:22] What's also very, very important, and I do want to acknowledge this here, and I want to acknowledge it very clearly, that sometimes people can grieve before the event or before the passing. And whether you know you have grieved before that moment, that is only something that you can answer, and it's only something that you can answer if you are truly honest with yourself. It is something that does come up. I have seen people because some people do come to me and they go, but why am I so okay with this? But it's most likely because you have grieved before the event or you've gone through a bit of grief before the big climax and it makes it feel a little bit easier. So that is only something you can answer yourself. But for this specific circumstance, okay, it's where this has not happened. So, this is literally the event has happened and you're now going through that grieving process where all these emotions are coming up and all these other things are happening in your life. So, when this happens and you go through those motions that I described earlier, it's really important because...
[14:42] When you do that, you go through those motions and you don't become fully aware of where you're at, that doesn't mean the emotions disappear.
[14:55] Okay, I want to reiterate that. When you do all of that, you are effectively putting your life and your emotions on hold. And when you do that, it doesn't mean the emotion disappears. It simply means it was all postponed. And when you fall into this category, then somewhere down the track, later, when life finally becomes stable or quieter, those emotions come back asking for space.
[15:36] So this is when a lot of people end up saying life is actually good now but part of me keeps going back if you are having those thoughts or you've had those thoughts there is absolutely nothing wrong with this feeling or thought but whatever you do please do not consider it or think of it as failure. What happens is that this is the time and space where your nervous system, okay, or aka your energetic body finally starts saying to you, hey, excuse me, are we ready to feel this now? Right? That is what this moment, if you're having these thoughts of this is what it's asking, are we ready to feel this now and this is where a lot of people misunderstand grief.
[16:42] So what i tend to find and like i said i'm not the specialist okay but society talks about grief as if there's a timeline here at this you know certain stages and then you should be reaching closure and once you've reached that point you should be getting ready to move on, But let's face it, love and life doesn't work like that. It is not linear. Like there is no timeline. You can't tell yourself that, oh, grief is going to be 14 days and after the 14th day, okay, back to it, everything's normal. Of course not, right? Love and life do not work like that. It's great to have those things. It's great to, and I think it's absolutely vitally important to understand the stages and obviously understand around closure and moving on. They're powerful things to understand. But what's important is we don't hold ourselves to it because we've got to work in our time and in our way.
[17:45] So, because of this, people secretly start believing something like this. They start to say these little phrases in their own mind If I move forward with my life Maybe it means they mattered less, Or it could be something along the lines of If I let change, go of the grief, or if I move through grief, then once I'm through grief, that means I will let them go and forget them. Now, as we all know anyone who's been through the process, this is certainly not the case. But what this shows us, and if you've had these thoughts pop around or roll around in your mind. What is happening is the mind holds on to the pain because the pain feels like proof. It's the proof that the love was real.
[18:53] And of course it was. But here's another way to look at it. You don't move on from love. You move forward with love.
[19:08] Right? Let that sink in. You don't move on from love. You move forward with love. The relationship that you had doesn't disappear. It simply changes form.
[19:26] You know, when we talk about this and we're going to look at it like just because someone's no longer physically with you in their life or, you know, a part of your life has ended in terms of where it's like a relationship or a part of your life or a job or whatever it may be, but it changes form. You still have the memories. You might still have habits. You know, there could be values that you've taken away from that relationship or that part of your life. You can look at the way that they have shaped your life in whatever shape or form and it's so true because i look at my own examples you know that i have with my dad because for example like fishing and aeroplanes are my strong memories that i like share with him and in common with him you know because he taught me fishing and the whole thing is like i'm the only one out of the whole family. I'm the youngest of five, but I'm the only one who continues to fish. I don't understand why the others aren't doing it, but it's beside the point. But every time I do go fishing, I quietly think of him and I go, how could I not?
[20:38] Another beautiful way where it changes in memory into a new habit or routine is every time we go away at Easter, we go down to a nice holiday spot in Central Coast, New South Wales. And what the most beautiful thing is is my son his last beautiful fond memory of my dad before he got really sick was him taking him over across the road from where we're staying to the gelato shop it was just him and his papa and they went there together and his papa bought him a gelato. There's lots of other grandkids, but it was just him. And he remembers this and he remembers the flavors like, you know, there's no, like, like it's just yesterday. And he has that. And because of that memory, the first thing that we do now, as soon as we arrive and we get there about 2, 3 p.m., The first stop, we don't even unpack. We go straight to the gelato shop. We each get a gelato and we go, we're thinking of you, Papa.
[21:51] So, from a memory, we've turned it into a beautiful routine and a way to reflect. And this is just an example in my life how it can transform. And you might have your own. You might even have ways that you're doing it you haven't even realized yet. But so, you see, grief isn't something we erase.
[22:14] Grief isn't something that we get over.
[22:18] Grief is essentially something we integrate. We must learn to weave it in to our lives.
[22:32] Grief isn't something we move on from. It's something we learn to carry and move with differently in our lives. And so, looking at all this and understanding all of this, the one big thing that I have learned through all of my work, and if you've been seeing me more recently or been on my emails more recently, you'll be hearing me. I'm going to be banging this drum for many a year. Emotions are not the problem, okay? Emotions are not a problem. They don't cause problems. Emotions are messages because emotions are the language of the soul. And energy never lies. So when an emotion keeps appearing It usually means something inside of us Still wants to be acknowledged, Now, there's a big difference to that. Now, remember what I said here. It wants to be acknowledged, not fixed, not analyzed, certainly not solved or dealt with, just acknowledged.
[23:53] So, this is where it's important to give these emotions their due space. And when grief specifically pops up it really does want space and it pops up when your own energetic body recognizes that you have space you may not like it okay like you know it's no different with email why do i keep doing on this but it's actually acknowledging that you've got the space, the time, and the ability to actually work with it now. And so, when grief simply wants space, it's coming up and it's trying to let you say something. It could be as simple as when it bubbles up, you could be saying, it's recognizing and feeling that and saying to yourself in your own way, I loved them, that's it you don't have to think of everything else you don't have to go all the way into their passing or how something ended you can just simply say I loved them, That's it. And when you finally allow that, when you finally acknowledge that, something shifts. And this is why fighting grief often makes it louder.
[25:18] But making space for it allows it to move. And I can't stress that enough. if you're finding that your grief is getting louder that is a sign or a symbol that you're trying to fight it and what you're really needing to and i encourage you to do is try to make space for it it's a big one now of course if you're really in the throes of it which i know and i come across a lot of people who are which is understandable considering the nature of the work, but there's also you know a little simple way that you can start to change this okay There is another pattern I have noticed, and that's when grief pops up and surfaces again. People will often try to distract themselves. I see when people talk about they'll get on their phone and they'll doom scroll, right? Or again, they'll throw themselves into work. They'll find those ways to stay busy. If you haven't experienced this yourself, I can almost guarantee if you think about someone who's going through it right now, as you're listening to this, you can see those patterns popping up, right? So, but these things are a distraction, but sometimes the most powerful thing is the simplest.
[26:38] And now I want to encourage you to try something with me right here right now it's so simple it doesn't require too much so if you've got the time please feel free to do this with me, place your hand on your chest or your heart just place there just don't worry about feeling it like you don't need to find your heartbeat okay some people go you know we've done that in workshops before. But the whole point is, it's like, no, but this one is just placing it there wherever you feel comfortable on your chest or you want to be a little close to your heart. That's completely fine. Once you've placed your hand on your chest, just take a nice, deep, slow breath.
[27:24] Beautiful. And quietly acknowledge what's there. Feel it. And when you feel it, I want you to say what you feel like you need to say with that feeling. You might want to be saying to yourself, I miss you. I loved you. This still hurts. It doesn't matter what you're wanting to say as long as you're honest. That's it. That's all you need to do. something so simple, but something so powerful that gives it space and time to breathe. And if you've done this exercise just now with me, or you're doing this at a later time, that's fine. But just take note of what comes up for you. Try not to shy away from it. And of course, if it hurts, allow it to hurt. Honestly, if there's tears coming up, let the tears flow.
[28:31] This moment or you know if you're doing this later that moment of honesty allows the emotion to move instead of getting stuck, right now when you're doing this you don't have to stay in that emotion all day okay I'm not saying that's what you do but just by getting honest with the emotion it starts to move And by giving it a few minutes of space, it can change everything. Time and space for yourself and emotions can change everything. And the best part about this is you can do this very simple exercise anytime. That grief creeps up on you again.
[29:26] So, if you are someone who feels like life is good, but part of you still carries that grief, there is nothing wrong with you it simply means you loved deeply and remember love doesn't disappear when someone leaves our lives it changes form my work has validated this time and time again you know for me and others and it's also proven something else that sometimes love still hurts. And that's exactly why through reading this email and feeling these particular emotions and this journey of emotions, that's why I was like, okay, I wanted to create this meditation when love still hurts.
[30:21] And when love still hurts, it's like it's just a very simple, gentle, guided space. It's not even a deep meditation at all. Like, you know, technically it's a meditation for, but this is more about helping you and walking you through these kinds of processes. And it's just a little bit more helping you to attune to that. And of course, it's for anyone who's carrying grief. And the best part is when once it's done, it's going to be up there for everyone to access.
[30:50] So it'll definitely be up on my website. it'll definitely get out on Spotify and YouTube as well because like I said this particular email really hit me and it also made me realize that you know she wasn't the only one going through this and so that's why I was like cool I really feel a calling to this and that's why I've done it and I also wanted to share a big part of this here with you listening to this right now in case you need it.
[31:23] And I'm going to leave you with one final message. You don't have to carry the weight of grief forever. But you can always carry the love forward. Thanks for listening and I hope it helps. Thinking of you and sending all of my beautiful love to anyone who needs it after listening to this episode.
